Kintsugi and dementia

4 exercises to lighten conversations

How the Japanese art of kintsugi provides a gentle introduction to conversations about dementia. You can start today with four 5-minute mini-exercises.

“Grandma, what happened to Dobby?”

A granddaughter asked this when she saw the gold crack on his head. The answer? "Dobby's been repaired. And now he's more beautiful than ever."

That's kintsugi. The Japanese art of mending broken ceramics with gold. You don't hide the break, you celebrate it. And that's precisely what we can use in conversations about dementia.

Why this works for dementia

“How is your father?”
“He is not himself anymore.”

Do you hear how heavy that sounds? Kintsugi offers a different approach. We don't start with loss, but with form. "Which crack do you like?" is lighter than "What's wrong?"

It creates space for nuance, humor, and small successes. No one has to give "the right answer." You look together, name what you see, and follow the conversation. Less tension, more human.

Four mini exercises (5 minutes each)

1) The crack that fits

Place Dobby down. Ask: "Which crack suits you today?" Have someone point. Ask: "What makes this fit?" Write the sentence on a card. Done.

Example: Mrs. De Vries pointed to the crack behind Dobby's ear. "That one, because I can't hear everything anymore either." We wrote it down. The following week, she wanted to see the card again. She smiled broadly. "I told you so, didn't I?" Recognition in thirty seconds.

2) Gold moment of the week

At the end of the week, choose one moment that deserves to be celebrated: a laugh, a song, a walk. Write it down in the memory book or leave a note on the fridge. Make it a ritual, for example, every Sunday with tea.

3) Paste with paper

Cut thin "cracks" from gold paper and place them on a drawing or photo. Slide them until they match. Ask: "What changes because of this line?" Even if coordination deteriorates, someone can point out where a crack should be.

4) Talking about cracks

Tell me about a time when you experienced a "crack" that later turned out to be beautiful. A failed cake, a detour with a beautiful view, a forgotten appointment that created space. By being vulnerable yourself, you create safety.

Do's & don'ts

Do's:

• Start small: one question, one sentence, one minute
• Confirm what you hear without adding interpretation
• Let silence exist, being silent is also an answer
• Celebrate what works: “It's great that you wanted to try this.”

Don'ts:

• Don't make it a memory test, it's allowed to be wrong
• Don't say, "How does that make you feel?" Say, "What do you see when you look at Dobby?"
• Don't compare to the past, "Do you remember..." starts with loss

Sample sentences that work

• “What's the first thing you notice?”
• “Which crack catches your eye?”
• “Which moment today deserves a golden edge?”
• “What are you happy about right now?”

Write one sentence on a card next to Dobby. Reuse it. Routine creates peace.

Common mistakes

Error 1: Waiting for "the right moment" → There's no right moment. Start now.

Error 2: Overexplaining → If someone asks, “Kintsugi shows that fractions can be beautiful.” One sentence. Done.

Error 3: Too many questions at once → One question. Wait for an answer (or silence). Then proceed.

Error 4: Thinking it has to amount to something → Sometimes the result is simply that you watched Dobby together. That's enough.

Finally

Kintsugi is about looking with gentleness. At a bowl, at a person, at yourself. At Dobbyhuis, we believe that "broken" and "beautiful" aren't opposites. And that sometimes a golden line is exactly the connection that was needed.

So grab Dobby. Choose one question. And start today.

Because cracks only turn into gold when you show them.

Have any questions? Feel free to contact us. We're happy to share what we learn.

Love,
Erica de Winter